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One must think that in times of great emotional stress, doing something fun and uplifting would be of much help. Fucking wrong. How the hell does one make themselves feel better if the one thing that is making them depressed is about, oh, 500 feet away.

This is getting to be the hell on wheels for Tuesdays. I really need to grow a pair an probably actually say something before I go completely insane with depression and or over worrying. Hahaha.

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She doesnt love him.

I can see it through stained glass eyes. It hurts to see him cry all the time. I dont know what to do.

He shakes in the cold and the water drips down his face. He's lonely in this world that doesnt reconize his face.

The thunder cracks and the lightning glows the skies. She wants to make him suffer and have his heart die. It's working. With every breath she takes, a pin pushes into his chest alittle more. Deeper the surface cut goes till there's nothing more to drain. The red's turned to white. Almost empty.

I stand on the street corner and I watch her yell in his face. He takes it because he loves her. She screams that she hates him and hopes he dies. She wants her coat put on her shoulders. Her hand held and her hair stroked.

"Tell me you love me." She says in his ear.

"I love you." he whispers.

"Good. I hate you. Take me home."

I shake my head and follow them. They cant see me...but he turns and looks in my direction. I smile, even though Im invisable. She grabs his arm and tells him to quit starring into space, shes cold and wet. I sigh and watch them walk into the distance. I'd give anything to take his pain away.

He deserves something better, and Ive waited so long to give it to him. I guess waiting alittle longer wont kill me. But will it him? He's slowly leaving me and I can sense it. Anymore pain and he will be gone. She will take the one thing away from me that has made me smile. But its not me I care about right now.

I shake my head as I stand alone on the street corner. I let the water rush down my face. I stare up at the sky and close my eyes. I imagen him and send all my engery I have to him. He'll heal a little tonight; it's all I can give till he's ready. I'll take his pain and carry it with me. One more sleepless night is something he wont have again. She wont make him suffer till dawn. I can give him the night. There, he can dream of a world without sorrow and without heartache. I can be his savior for a few dark hours.

Lay your head down on your pillow and dream. All sounds are blocked out and silence surrounds you till you are ready to dream. Curl up under the covers and smile for the first time since you got home. Unlock the door and go through it. See me? I'm here. Please don't give up.
Current Location:
Jack's Music Shoppe
Current Mood:
creative creative
Current Music:
That's always a good question
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My fairy tattoo is my baby. She is the first one I ever got. Back in 2003. She hasnt even faded. Now, I think its time she had a sister. The first picture is my Fire Element Fairy, my baby. The second is what I am considering getting as her sister. Please comment and let me know what you think.



Need feedback people!!!


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My mother is a complete psycho. Well...sometimes shes a complete bitch but damn...sometimes I cant even tell shes been drinking. Like tonight, when I got home. That was, till she started talking weird. Leave it to her. She asks if I have to work at Jacks in the morning. By now this question is starting to piss me off because apparently NO ONE in my house has gotten used to my work schedule. RBVH I can kinda give a little leeway, but fucking JACKS! COME ON! Ive been doing Tuesday mornings 9-1pm FOR over 6MONTHS!!! ::bangs head against wall:: anyways...So she tells me my aunt is coming down. Ok. thanks? she has to drop of my grandmothers mail that was forwarded there. Ok no biggie. Then shes like, "we were on the phone for two hours!" The only time they talk that long is when shes been throwing back a few, 12...lol, anyways...I make myself a mean chunky peanut sandwich. Jelly is a no no btw. they dont mesh. Ever. And Im eating it, Ive got four dogs giving me that, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN I HAVE SOME" face. Um no. And I get up to go get changed and my mom is like, "Your aunts coming down tomorrow" I was like "You told me already" "Well I guess Im just stupid." as i am trying SO hard not to laugh, cause thats a bad thing, "I didnt say you where stupid...you just forgot you told me is all" ::my mother forgets A LOT:: and she proceeds to keep repeating "Im stupid, right. You think your mother is stupid" by this point im in the bathroom silently laughing my ass off and my father is on the couch prolly ignoring her, it has become one of his favorite past times. and I get out and I look down the stairs and shes staring at my dad with that "Well arent I stupid, why arent you paying me any attention" face and I just grab my shit and go "Im going to bed, good night!" and I walk out the door and into my little oasis of a trailer and here I am.

Im starting to get the idea that no matter if i say something or nothing, im gonna get yelled at! good thing i left before that happened. im too tired to argue with her.

on that note....ZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzzz Jacks at 9am.
Current Mood:
indifferent indifferent
Current Music:
the white noise generator
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Weary eyes, sigh behind bright smiles.
Sulken eyes, glisten against moon lit skies.
Haunting shadows cast an eeire glow.
Tears trickle down, the silent pain shows.

Let emotions,
Give way.

Into the night, you shall loose all sight.
Espceically the one from the ....

Weary eyes, hide in plain sight.
Sulken eyes, be guided by the night.
Playful shadows, burn bright with fire.
Heart beat races, pulse rate goes higher.

Turn around,
Give way.

As you lay in your bed, resting ones head,
Let your thoughts wander to the ceiling ....

Weary eyes, cry in the dark.
Sulken eyes, focuses to find their mark.
My eyes they search for your face.
A soul that longs to be embraced.

Lips that ache to be kissed.
This chance, don't let it slip.

Current Mood:
artistic artistic
Current Music:
I Should Have Been After You, Rooney
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ColorQuiz.com Heather took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Fascinated by the idea of an idealized association..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
In Love With a Girl, Gavin DeGraw
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Amazing that you don’t see it. Little moon that covers sun. Interesting that nothing seems right. Or does it? The days have come to a close, yet night has wonder to unfold.
Ha. Nothing is a wonderland. Or maybe it really is. We can always see the future. We can make our own. Diamonds sparkle, sure they do. And love as come to anew. Just a kiss is all it took. To bring us to the end of a romance book.
Dark as night, fire light. Amber glows with forced might. Anger level rising breaks. Mirror image, all is fake. Frozen ice shatters all. Watch the step or chose to fall. Lonely petal flower wilts. There the stem starts to tilt. Stone walls echo in the night. Shadows cast an eerie sight. Wind blows candle onto floor. Sparks jump up, begin to soar. Goodnight angel, goodnight dark. Seems the arrow’s hit its mark. Sleeping dreams for one to find. There are no heroes to hide behind.
Creativity synapses firing one after another unveiling locked away and new ideas, holding nothing back while letting the mind run free. No blocks, no walls, no tolls. Squinting eyes, pouring sweat clenching fist. The mind works harder and faster. Ideas and designs float around and around, hard to grasp and comprehend. But, it’s only the best ideas that come through clear as day.
For the life of me, I never understood it. Well, maybe I was never meant to actually understand it. It seems like it was just something thrown at me and forced into my brain. Made to linger there always. To be carried with me in my youth, adolescent life, and supposedly, my adulthood. Figures they think it would last all my life. Never thinking for one small second it could fade; leave me for good. A never ending lesson made to run over and over in my mind forever. But what do they say when I know that whatever was put there is gone? That I’m slowly beginning to understand more than I’m supposed to? What are you proposing you do; tell a few lies? All that’ll do is make me search for the answer more. Amazing isn’t it? You try so hard to keep us out, shut out from the world, that at the smallest sign of intelligence, you panic. You turn things into unrealistic details, which we yearn to search for truth. You keep us shut out for much of our lives, that when we manage to become smarter than you, you just wither away, until there’s nothing left. Goodbye we have you say to the world, and we then throw something at you to keep you shut from the world of knowledge.
I was sitting on the couch watching my usual annoyingly loud game show. After hearing my stomach growl for a half-hour straight I got up and meandered around until I found the fridge. It was empty.
Current Location:
where else..
Current Mood:
blank blank
Current Music:
my white noise generator
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Though I have had writers block, BAD, over the last...oh, I dunno 5 years. Tonight's mindless jottings dont impress me at all. I will most likely rewrite it 50 times. As I always do with my work. One good thing: its not as terribly morbid and depressing as the majority of the shit Ive writen. I used to be an amazing poet...wtf happened...

Eyes wide.
Colored green.
Heart skips.
Nerve endings, scream.


Listen to the waves,
Rush over head.
Block the voice,
Stone cold.


Emotions, of every kind.
In and out they go.

Utter silence seems so loud.
Breathing deeply.

The urge.
It begs.


Awake, you lay.

Realize you're alone at night.
Realize that your heart can't fight....

~hdj 7-5-08

comment away. it sucks yes I know...
Current Location:
haha my trailer.
Current Mood:
restless restless
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I desperatly need to sleep. I need to get better...but Im awake. And retaking quizzes.

ColorQuiz.com Heather took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Desires protection against anything which might ex..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Ha ha. not funny.

Current Location:
My bed,
Current Mood:
crappy crappy
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Why is it that no matter how hard I seriously try to just SLEEP, haha, it doesnt work? Honestly. I went to bed at 1ish this morning, and for some ungoddly reason I was up at 545am. Thus resulting in having to pee so bad I just had to get out of bed, and then. Well when you have a total of four dogs, you get the picture. I had all intentions of going back to sleep til my alarm went off at 745am.

Its now 715am. I could try but chances of that mean I will hit snooze up until the very last moment I need to get out of bed and get over to Jack's. I know I should quit Jack's. But I just got my 120 dollar paycheck, and hell, that is some nice spending money. Little of which I actually have.

I think my kidney infection, is rearing its ugly head. Either that or I beat myself up in my sleep. Still trying to figure out where the hell the cut on my left cheek, which by the way DOES hurt, came from.

I bought myself a bottle of Mandrin Vodka yesterday. I think Im becoming obessed with that liquor. It is odd, but it will not give me the beer handles I am so desperatly trying to make go away.

I think I am going to crawl back into the solitude of my covers. So a little while at least.


yaknowthatgirlwhorealized,shit!Istillhaveajournal. HA.


It is now 922am, and here I am. At Jack's. Managed to fall back to sleep...for all of 25 minutes, and yup. Didnt get out of bed til 825am. I have to leave at 830am. Im no where near awake.

In three days, I will lose my voice. In two I will not be able to hardly eat or drink anything. By the end of the week I will feel like utter hell. All this will happen, if my mom forgets to call the doctor and get the antibotic for Tonsilitis. I havent gotten this is FOUR YEARS...and all of a sudden, my sore throat I got last night, is the reason my stomach strunk 6 years ago. WONDERFUL. Oh well. Such as life.

I just did the major part of my work here for today. I got two Saxaphones from the basement, almost getting consumed by instrument cases in the process. That room is a mess. Someone other than me, should really clean it.

I'm going to start, and hopefully finish "Dear American Airlines" today. I have nothing important to do here. Why not get my read on!? I really need a coffee and at least another 3 hours sleep.

Update: its 850pm and I'm at home, with no voice, a swollen throat and pain like you wouldnt believe.

lowercase in the world of hidden masks. no puncuation to make the world last. road trip baby take me for a spin.

got your things i see you're ready to go. lowercase is the world's show. cause that day is gone--i just can't stop missing you. no it seems like yesterday's today and tomorrow is three weeks ago.

monday came and went--no it was friday the week before last that on the wednesday after that tuesday you came around on thursday knocking at my door but i wasn't home because sunday church had started early and the cat had to go to the vet and he opened at nine that tuesday morning and so i couldn't get to the phone cause the saturday telemarkers wouldn't stop calling me.

monday went by so fast. three weeks prior to the last.

whatever will i do when all the world writes in lowercase?

I used to write...what happened...
Current Location:
Middletown, where the kids come to play
Current Mood:
weird weird
Current Music:
My Front Porch Looking In, Lonestar
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